A Good Reason Couples Stay Married

A Good Reason Couples Stay Married

Both sets of my grandparents were married for over 60 years, which is why my mother felt cheated when my father died and they had only had 58 years together. That’s my Mom with me in the photo after she’d forgiven Dad for dying (and, perhaps, God, for not healing the cancer).

All six of them were good people, but not perfect. They were all Christians, and they were also sinners, just like the rest of us.

One set of my grandparents lost their farm in the Great Depression, at the same time the other searched all over the West for employment to take care of their five children. Both couples sent their sons to World War II. They worried about their grandsons getting drafted into the Vietnam War.

So they didn’t have it easy.

None of them were rich or well-educated.

What they had in common was the championship character trait of forgiveness. They forgave each other, asked forgiveness from God, and achieved some inner peace by forgiving themselves. All six of them forgave me for various mistakes growing up (or failing to!).

To forgive means you do not get justice or “an eye for an eye.” Forgiveness comes after working through the shocked, angry, sad, and scared it-will-happen-again feelings.

When you decide to release the consequences of choices it may seem like you are letting someone off the hook. Actually, when you forgive, you are the one you’re taking care of. The other person might not ever know about being forgiven. The one released from the past is you.

A long time ago Peter McWilliams wrote to forgive is simply to be so finished with the negative feelings you are again ready for giving to the other person and for getting from them again.

Why not start with an apology to your spouse asking for forgiveness? Whether you receive an apology in exchange or a comforting acceptance of your apology isn’t up to you. Maybe if you forgive, your marriage could be a good one for 60 years.

Communication

Communication

When most couples have struggled long enough in their marriages to decide to seek help in marriage and family therapy, their most frequent complaint in their initial intake interview is problems with communication.

Sometimes, communication is the actual problem. For example, some men are the strong silent type, which has some appeal to some women; however, more women would like their husbands to be very open with them, describing their feelings, vulnerabilities, and intimate emotions about the marriage.

Other times, communication is how other problems are manifest in the marriage. For example, if neither the husband or the wife are listening attentively to the other, then neither feel heard or respected. Both want to be known and understood, and feel hurt and disrespected when their words seem unimportant to their spouses.

A lot of marriages have communication that is out of bounds, like verbal abuse when talking too loudly or contemptuously. Or interrupting when the listener should be patient to hear what the speaker is saying.

If couples state initially their problem is communication, later during their counseling, the communication turns out to be a problem only in certain situations. For example, if he comes home drunk or she spends too much at the casino, the yelling is poor communication, but the bigger problem is the subject of the yelling.

Communication is a skill we were supposed to learn as children, just like we learned to walk and talk, or use manners at the table or in school. Many children don’t learn by what they were taught, but by what they have caught, like hearing their parents screaming and wanting their own way.

Usually during dating, couples enjoy talking to and listening to each other. As the relationship grows, problems naturally occur. To communicate about those problems effectively requires both partners to speak like they would like to be spoken to, and listen like they would like to be heard.

God is a great listener: always available with unlimited time and complete, unconditional love. Husbands and wives lack some of God’s capacity, but can mature as speakers and listeners, like Jesus did with the woman at the well.

For hurting couples, Healthy Counseling Center offers workshops, intensives, and counseling. Please call for more information about getting the help you want; call Jennifer at (509) 466-6632.

Blended Families

Blended Families

Marrying a single parent is complicated. It doesn’t take very long to realize that the Disney fantasy of happily ever after is just that, a fantasy. The divorce rate for blended family couples is dramatically higher than traditional first marriages. Why?

  1. Competing relationships. Even if the kids are supportive of the union, there is still an underlying current of competition. In some cases, the kids are dead set against the new marriage and will work against the union. This causes heartache with the parents who just want to be in love and live in peace.
  2. Baggage from the past. Whether the single parent has lost a spouse, never been married or experienced divorce, the emotional pain from the loss of previous relationship bears down on the new marriage.
  3. Being a step-parent is all the work of parenting, with very little of the joy.
  4. All the hard stuff of a traditional marriage is still there too.

It sounds like a bummer. Creating a blended family is infinitely more difficult than a traditional family. However, a very wise grandma once said, “it will work if you want it to work”. She wasn’t a scholar or a counselor. She was a woman who successfully blended a family of 8 kids in the midst of complete chaos. There is a different set of expectations that comes with blending families, but the one unchangeable expectation is that it takes two parents who are committed to making it work.

  1. Be flexible. In all things. Your family won’t look like anyone else’s. Learn to be ok with that.
  2. Be patient. It takes 4-7 years to create a new normal for blended families.
  3. Be a learner. Choose to learn more about the art of blending families and potentially see a counselor that specializes in the complexities of blended families. There is a series of books Ron L Deal that specifically addresses blended family issues. You can find them on Amazon.com.

Books/DVDs Resources:

VIDEO: Sex Addiction (Q6 News)

VIDEO: Sex Addiction (Q6 News)

Here is a news segment from Q6 News about the dangers of pornography and sex addiction from a couple years ago. It includes an interview with Dr. Ray Smith from Healthy Counseling Center on the subject. This is an extremely common problem in today’s marriages and relationships in general.

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Workshops:
We know from decades of experience that some skills are best explained in group settings in a fun and educational environment, while personal topics still remain private.

Total Costs: $35/assessment $50/week (8 week date nights $435/couple)


Blended Couple:
This workshop is best for couples that have blended families involved in your marriage.