A Premarital Counseling Program

His Needs, Her Needs: A Summary for Reflection Together

{from Harley, W. F., Jr. 1986. Old Tappan, N.J.: Fleming H. Revell. Pages 176-177}

The Irresistible Man

Any husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet five basic marital needs:

1. He meets her need for affection with plenty of hugs and kisses at every opportunity. He also tells her how much he cares for her with a steady flow of words, cards, flowers, gifts and common courtesies.
2. He meets her need for intimate conversation by talking with her at the feeling level. He listens to her attitudes about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest and concern. All his conversations with her convey a desire to understand her but not to change her.
3. He meets her need for honesty and openness by looking her in the eye and telling her what he really thinks. He explains his plans and actions clearly and completely because he regards himself as accountable to her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure.
4. He meets her need for financial support by firmly shouldering the responsibility to house, feed and clothe his family. If his income is insufficient to support his wife adequately, he does not feel sorry for himself; instead, he looks for concrete ways to increase his earnings by upgrading his skills or he sits down with his wife to determine how to make better use of what income they have, how to lower their standard of living if necessary in order to raise their marriage to a safer and more fulfilling level.
5. He meets her need for family commitment by putting his family first. He commits his time and energy to the moral and intellectual development of the children. For example, he reads to them, he engages in sports with them and takes them camping or on other outings. He does not play the fool’s game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while his children and spouse languish in neglect.

The Irresistible Woman

A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five basic marital needs:

1. She meets his need for sexual fulfillment by becoming an excellent sexual partner to him. She studies her own response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in her; then she communicates this information to her husband and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.
2. She meets his need for recreational companionship by developing mutual interests with her husband. She discovers those activities her husband enjoys the most and tries to become proficient in them. If she learns to enjoy them, she joins him in them. If she does not enjoy them, she encourages him to consider others that they can enjoy together. She becomes her husband’s constant recreational companion so that he repeatedly associates her with the pastimes her enjoys most.
3. She meets his need for her attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise and she wears her hair, makeup and clothes in a way that her husband finds attractive and tasteful. Her husband is pleased and proud of her in public and in private.
4. She meets his need for domestic support by creating a home that offers him an atmosphere of peace and quiet. She manages the home and care of the children. This gives him the opportunity to spend evenings and weekends with her and their children in educational and recreational activity.
5. She meets his need for admiration and respect by understanding his value and achievements more than anyone else. She reminds him of his capabilities and helps him maintain his self-confidence. She is proud of her husband, not out of duty, but as an expression of sincere admiration for the man with whom she has chosen to share her life.

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