Communication

Communication

When most couples have struggled long enough in their marriages to decide to seek help in marriage and family therapy, their most frequent complaint in their initial intake interview is problems with communication.

Sometimes, communication is the actual problem. For example, some men are the strong silent type, which has some appeal to some women; however, more women would like their husbands to be very open with them, describing their feelings, vulnerabilities, and intimate emotions about the marriage.

Other times, communication is how other problems are manifest in the marriage. For example, if neither the husband or the wife are listening attentively to the other, then neither feel heard or respected. Both want to be known and understood, and feel hurt and disrespected when their words seem unimportant to their spouses.

A lot of marriages have communication that is out of bounds, like verbal abuse when talking too loudly or contemptuously. Or interrupting when the listener should be patient to hear what the speaker is saying.

If couples state initially their problem is communication, later during their counseling, the communication turns out to be a problem only in certain situations. For example, if he comes home drunk or she spends too much at the casino, the yelling is poor communication, but the bigger problem is the subject of the yelling.

Communication is a skill we were supposed to learn as children, just like we learned to walk and talk, or use manners at the table or in school. Many children don’t learn by what they were taught, but by what they have caught, like hearing their parents screaming and wanting their own way.

Usually during dating, couples enjoy talking to and listening to each other. As the relationship grows, problems naturally occur. To communicate about those problems effectively requires both partners to speak like they would like to be spoken to, and listen like they would like to be heard.

God is a great listener: always available with unlimited time and complete, unconditional love. Husbands and wives lack some of God’s capacity, but can mature as speakers and listeners, like Jesus did with the woman at the well.

For hurting couples, Healthy Counseling Center offers workshops, intensives, and counseling. Please call for more information about getting the help you want; call Jennifer at (509) 466-6632.

Three Elephants

Three Elephants

Imagine…. Three elephants escape from a circus, run down the street into a neighborhood. Each one of the elephants runs into a house.

Couple #1 comes home from work and see the door is busted open, the furniture is smashed, the elephant’s head is in the kitchen eating all the groceries and the back of the elephant is in the bedroom pooping on the bedspread. This couple has a rule at their house: “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. The husband looks around & can’t identify anything nice to say about the situation. The wife looks around and sniffs…. she also can’t find anything nice to say. They smile at each other and bear it. He is glad that nothing is said. She is glad it didn’t break out into a fight. And they learn to live with the elephant.

Couple #2 comes home and sees the elephant destroying the kitchen, leaving poop in the bedroom. And their communication goal is to make observations and state their opinions. The husband responds to the situation: “YOU are a stupid idiot for leaving the door open and inviting an elephant to walk in”. The wife defends: “YOU are an even bigger idiot if you can’t see the elephant broke down the door.” He replies, “that is just like you, and your mother.” They have so many problems worse than the elephant that they don’t give it any more attention. And they learn to live around the elephant.

Couple #3 come home and find an elephant has destroyed their front door, eaten their food and made a mess in the bedroom. And their goal is satisfaction. The husband takes inventory and he is not satisfied. He turns to his wife, and says, “Honey, when there is an elephant in the house, I am not happy (I am angry). The door is broken, the food is gone and that bedspread that grandma made us is destroyed. I would like the elephant out of here and everything restored. Would you please call the circus and have them bring a truck and a lot of money?” A couple weeks later, they come home from work and the carpet has been cleaned, the bedspread has been replaced and the door has been repaired. The cupboards were once again full of groceries. And the husband turns to his wife and smiles, “remember when there was an elephant in here? Thanks for making the call to get that taken care of and doing the work to restore the house. I really appreciate that. I feel happy and that meant a lot to me. Would you accept my hug and a kiss?”

When an individual or a couple perceives that something is not right, they have a CHOICE in how to respond to the undesired situation.

  • The first couple chose to be passive. They didn’t fight, but the problem remained.
  • The second couple chose aggression. They blamed each other and the problem remained.
  • The third couple used assertive communication that addressed the issue head on and created a game plan that resolved the issue. Assertive interactions respectfully communicate “This is what I’ve got & this is what I want” without laying blame on anyone else. Spouses that respect and care for one another will respond with a helpful attitude.

Change the way your love works by changing the way you communicate.

VIDEO: Sex Addiction (Q6 News)

VIDEO: Sex Addiction (Q6 News)

Here is a news segment from Q6 News about the dangers of pornography and sex addiction from a couple years ago. It includes an interview with Dr. Ray Smith from Healthy Counseling Center on the subject. This is an extremely common problem in today’s marriages and relationships in general.

VIDEO: Fun Communication Song

VIDEO: Fun Communication Song

Here is a fun and lighthearted song about communication between married couples. This husband and wife standup comedy team does a great job in making fun of communication between men and women in general. It’s entertaining and fun to watch. Enjoy!

Junk Drawer

Junk Drawer

Most houses have a junk drawer. I have one in my kitchen. Also one in my office. And if I am truly honest, I also have one in my laundry room. It’s where the random items are stored, out of sight. When life gets busy, when the item doesn’t have a permanent location or it just seems convenient at the time, I hide items in the drawer to be dealt with another day. Eventually “another day” comes along, and it’s usually due to a ridiculous little frustration: the drawer won’t open anymore because there is a roll of duct tape that got turned sideways, or I obsessively search for an address that I was too busy to put in my phone that is on a Target receipt and I am positive I put it in this drawer. The frustration hits a boiling point and the drawer gets dumped out to be sorted. The garbage is tossed, the useful tools find a home and those bizarre random items that probably have a purpose, but you can only guess what that purpose might be, get placed in the “I have no idea” pile. This last pile usually takes consulting with the myriad of individuals that also contribute to my junk drawer. Then I organize that drawer and take some solace that the quick search that turned into a 3 hour project has created some sense of order in my otherwise overly energized life.

Going to see a counselor is similar to cleaning out a junk drawer. There comes a time when the emotional junk just doesn’t fit in the drawer anymore and there is a burning deep down that indicates it is time to figure out how to create some sense of the chaos that is raging. A counselor can help you create a safe place to dump out all the disappointments, emotions, transitions and confusion to make sense of it all. Together, the old coping mechanisms that no longer work can be thrown out in favor of new, healthy behaviors that actually move you forward toward life goals. Past regrets and disappointments are processed in a way that empowers you to impact the world in a positive way. The process might make a mess for a time, just like dumping out a real drawer. And it might take some time. But it also might create some peace and order in an otherwise overly energized life.

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Workshops:
We know from decades of experience that some skills are best explained in group settings in a fun and educational environment, while personal topics still remain private.

Total Costs: $35/assessment $50/week (8 week date nights $435/couple)


Blended Couple:
This workshop is best for couples that have blended families involved in your marriage.