I love The Incredibles family. Most families can relate with them. The teenager is surly at home and has social anxiety at school. The middle boy has behavior problems both at school and home, creating chaos for everyone. The mom used to have a powerful career but now attempts to find satisfaction in taking care of everyone else’s needs as a stay at home mom. Dad is so bored in his job that he pursues a secret life that creates emotional distance in his marriage and with his kids. And the baby… there is just something off with the youngest. Maybe all of them need to find some help.
These isolated problems are actually a family problem. The individual struggles affect how the family interacts with each other AND simultaneously how the family responds to the problem can either make the issues easier or more difficult. Healthy families help their kids to bounce out of their struggles more easily.
As a family therapist, I like to start with who is most concerned, that’s usually mom: help mom to identify what she really is struggling with and how she is uniquely equipped to help solve it. Then move on to the marriage. When mom and dad remember who they are as individuals and as a team, they are in a better position to craft a purpose and vision for their family. Lastly, the kids: empower them to better deal with their unique-ness as they become an extension of a strong family unit. The surly attitudes, rebellious behavior and undesirable responses become a family issue – because after all, they are experienced by the family.
It takes time. It takes change on the part of everyone. And change can be messy. However, if Mr. Incredible can get excited about his family, anyone can.